A wise man once said “Nostalgia is a seductive liar.” He sure knew what he was talking about. I’m currently living proof of it.
A thought came to me yesterday, just after I had had one of my self-destructive binges. Yes, unfortunately I’m still doing stuff like that. I’m not “cured”. 😦 But I am hoping that if I blog out these thoughts, it will help me gather the strength to start fighting again. And I need to, because at the moment I feel like I’m lying on the canvas waiting for the ref to count me out.
Anyway, the thought was that food is like a bad boyfriend to me. It’s that guy that you’re physically really into, something that happens almost in spite of yourself. You feel drawn to him like a magnet with an almost irresistible attraction and though you try and fight it, it’s too much and you just have to give in. But when that part of it is over, and you see him for what he really is, he almost repulses you and you just want to be far away from him. Your mind, your reason take over and tell you what you already knew deep inside – he’s just absolutely no good for you.
You know that you really don’t get that much out of him apart from fleeting moments of pleasure, but still you are drawn to him over and over again because while it’s happening, just for those fleeting moments, it just feels good. And that’s what you want, to feel good. And you don’t.
And this loser boyfriend knows all the right things to say. He texts you when you’re having a low moment and asks if he can come over. Your first and correct response is to say no, it’s not a good idea. But then he starts to plead. “Oh, come on, babe. You know how good I can make you feel. You know I know what you like.” Feebly you protest. “No, I really think we need to end this now. It’s going nowhere.” More wheedling. “But remember that time you were really anxious and freaking out about everything in your life, on the verge of panic attacks? Remember how I got you through that?” Weakening. “Well, yes, but…” Sensing the vulnerability, going in for the kill. “Remember how I’m always there for you when nobody else is? How are you going to get along without me to lean on?” And you have no answer, because you know he’s right. So back you go again, and so the deadly cycle continues.
If you’re not addicted to food, I’m sure the addiction to any destructive habits would work much the same. In fact, there is a performance piece from a few years ago on the US version of So You Think You Can Dance that is known as the ‘Addiction’ dance, and it physically expresses what I’m trying to say SO well that I’m just going to post it here.
I don’t really need to explain this but in the dance he is the addiction and she is the addict, and they physically portray it so well. It gives me a lump in the throat to this day. And the words of the song are how I’ll sign off today. I don’t have the answers right now. I’m just trying to find them.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that
You’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down….
Mens sana in corpore sano 
What a great analogy. From past experiences, I’d say that there is a series of breakups and reunions, and only after it becomes painfully clear that the relationship just isn’t going to work does it end. Food is like that too. Thanks for the post, it really puts food addiction into a tangible form.
Thanks, Rob. I think writing this has helped me too. If I were going out with a boyfriend like I’ve described, things would be very complicated. I know this addiction is bad for me, I know it cannot continue, and yet…it keeps dragging me back in. There’s obviously some kind of payoff for me in staying larger. I have a feeling it’s because, as I’ve said in previous blogs, it is safe and it’s known and as soon as the doorway to a new life opens I get scared and I retreat. I’ll have to just keep persisting. Perhaps it is a good thing I’m seeing the specialist next week.
Wow, so right on all levels. That dance does sum it up and the words… we are addicts, there is no other way to describe it and all addictions are hell to overcome, it’s a daily fight and some days we just need a break from the fight, because the fight itself somehow becomes destructive in another way. I had a day last week where I didn’t exercise, didn’t think about food or what I was eating, I ate what I fancied eating but managed to stop myself on the precipice of a binge… I so wanted to binge but fortunately we had nothing bad in the house to binge on and not even the ingredients to make something. In my past I’ve been incredibly resourceful and managed to mix up a pudding and custard or some biscuits or cakes out of pretty much nothing, or even the wrong ingredients… yes I am she who has eaten dog choccie drops to get a fix and poured the kids chocolate polka dots for their baking down my throat or munched on a bar of cooking chocolate. Just like an alcoholic will drink the nastiest of trash just to get a fix, the drug addict will take anything in the absence of their drug of choice and the gambler will rummage and find enough to put on a bet or inspect the coin returns in the arcade for just one coin or token to have one last try to win something back.
I said in one of my long long posts that the only time I really stayed slim was when I was using men instead of food.. I don’t mean using for anything other than making myself feel good but I wasn’t, I didn’t like myself and I always say that the time I was the most horrible person was when I was slim and perhaps, who knows, one of the reasons sometimes I get a little bit anxious about going there.
If I could give any advice it would be to allow yourself a rough patch just be aware that it’s a patch. Try to maintain and not gain and don’t skip appointments, That’s when we slide straight back off to the start and when we suddenly find ourselves thinking, if I’d carried on I’d have been at my goal by now. Time passes so quickly, we just have to tick those days off and get there and when we’re there it will be easier to stick there, it really will. We can have binge days and rein it in for two to compensate and we won’t be looking at months of deprivation again, just a couple of days tops to get it back on track.
Reblogged this on Breaking The Yo-Yo and commented:
Reblogging this fab post. So much truth in her words, the dance and the lyrics. I’m sure this will resonate with many of us. It’s an emotional one if it hits home so tissues at the ready.
I’ve never had seen it described so correctly!
Thank you so much 🙂 I’m always happy if something I write resonates with someone else out there, perhaps even helps them a little. Deb.
Thank you, Michelle, and thank you for the reblog – I feel honoured 🙂 Of course I knew you would understand. I know I’ve said this before but I wish people who haven’t ever had issues with food could try and understand that it really ISN’T that different to being addicted to anything else, except worse because the hardest thing of all to avoid is food – it’s bloody everywhere! But we will keep fighting the good fight xx